Locked in a Loop of Broken Money Promises? Why The Cycle of Money Stress Keeps Happening
By Wendy Wright, LMFT, Financial Therapist
Money promises sound so good at the time, right? Promises like:
“I will get this organized and never fail again!”
“I will get this debt paid off and never go into debt again!”
“I will get my s%!# together and never struggle again!”
I have made these kinds of money promises to myself – and you have too.
I have broken them – just like you. In fact, we usually break them or see them break down within a day, month, or even a few months. Why? Because they aren’t promises; they are magical thoughts. Plans based on magical thoughts aren’t sustainable. No judgment here, because magical promises feel so good in the moment! If they didn’t, we wouldn’t repeat the cycle.
Before we go on, let’s pause for a compassionate deep breath. There is NO judgment here. I want to take a closer look at the impact of your broken money promises so you can begin to heal. I am here with you. For real, no judgment. I imagine that’s a new approach for you and your money relationship!
Now, let’s dig into the cycle of broken money promises.
You know what I am talking about. When a “promise” includes an absolute like never/always, it’s really a magical thought. It requires knowing the future and having a crystal ball, right? It’s ok if this idea feels familiar! We do it because it feels soothing at the time.
The more magical the promise and the more perfection-loaded the promise, the more likely it will crack. And with money, the cracks can show up quickly. Whether it’s 24 hours, 30 days, or 6 months, the statements below will begin to creep in:
- “Oh I forgot about this one last purchase I need to use the credit card for.”
- “Cuss! Cuss! We just paid off all our debt, and now, the air conditioner broke!”
- “Yikes, I forgot about this bill, and now, my budget is all messed up.”
- “Cuss word! I did the math wrong, and I can’t pay for that bill!”
- “I spent hours last weekend working on money. I need a weekend off!”
- “Ugh! I just want to enjoy this vacation. I will think about money stuff later.”
Ok, let’s pause for a compassionate deep breath – yes, another one. We’re going to start looking at these events differently. This is the financial therapy approach. This is the start of your Money Mindset Shift. Remember: The shift starts with scoops of compassion, understanding, kindness – and increased awareness.
Let’s start by increasing your awareness about the money stress you feel.
In my opinion, “stress” is a busy (and even overused) word. It is used to describe money A LOT! There are many kinds of money stress though. Each type can have its own kind of remedy, so you want to get clear on what is trapping you into the cycle of money stress.
Types of money stress can be connected to different fears, such as:
- Fear of failure, which fuels constant vigilance
- Fear of being “found out” again, which fuels constant vigilance
- Fear of dropping a ball/forgetting something crucial, which fuels constant vigilance and shows up as repetitive thoughts/list making
- Belief that you are “bad” and shouldn’t even try, which fuels avoidance and can show up as distraction
- Belief that you are “bad” and should try even harder, which fuels (you guessed it!) more hypervigilance and can show up as repetitive/intrusive thoughts/list making and/or feeling like you are “always behind”
Did any of these ideas connect for you? Get more specific about the stress you are feeling and how it is showing up in your life. Use the companion journal page/prompts to paint a clearer picture of what you’re really feeling when “I am so stressed about money” pops into your thoughts. Let’s see what you notice.
Chances are, you’ve wondered why you continue to struggle with broken money promises. Why does the cycle repeat?
You may have even asked yourself, “Why do I keep doing this to myself?!” It’s a good question to ask but difficult to answer. Let’s consider a few reasons why the money stress cycle repeats.
First, remember that the magical promise feels good. Maybe you have experienced this sensation when you “finally” clean out the garage, the pantry, or a closet. You want it to never get messy again, right? And you feel relief when you promise to keep it protected and untouched. Maybe you invest in a nice velvet rope to keep the family out (wink, wink).
Regardless of your intentions, it rarely stays that way. It starts small – with one pair of shoes or a few extra bags of chips leftover from a party. You know the drill! Because the “new order of cleanliness” was built on a kind of time-binge, you don’t have regular time available to attend to it.
So how do you stop this cycle when it’s related to money stress?
It is so similar! Begin by compassionately admitting to yourself that it will stay imperfect. Yes, money stuff is never perfect. Yup, I know you wanted it to be. Big sigh.
Next, create more awareness and less avoidance. You want to ultimately build a system that keeps you able to see what’s going on. But before you can get to this system, it’s crucial to explore what motivates any avoidance. We can do this together in the Money Mindset Shift.
Notice if you shift into “fight, flight, or freeze” when it comes to your money interactions. This response means you’re stuck in the cycle. First, you make the big promise. Then, when it starts to crumble, you either turn up the obsessive thoughts and number crunching or turn the volume down to zero and make money decisions out of deep avoidance. Or you just watch 10 more episodes of your favorite show. Either way, you are re-acting, and we want to shift things so that you are pro-acting. With this new approach, you can relax when things happen in life because you have an adjustable plan.
To close, let’s consider some scripts to change your internal dialog and decrease the cycle of broken money promises.
Go from [your repeated pattern] > to [a new way of thinking and acting]
From “I will never use my credit card again.” to “I will wait four days before using my credit card for a purchase that will increase my debt to foster pausing in my spending decisions.”
From “I will never eat out again.” to “I will keep some money set aside for a nurturing dining out meal and foster planning as a part of my spending..
From “I will save all of my next bonus check.” to “I will make a plan to put a percentage of my bonus towards savings and a percentage towards joy to foster balance in my spending.”
From “I will never loan money to friends again.” to “I will commit to a four-step accountability practice to slow my roll when a friend seems to need my money.”
Ready for your own shifts in your money mindset? Discover the first 3 steps today!
