Exploring Wealth Transfer Dynamics for Givers
by Wendy Wright, LMFT, Financial Therapist, Wealth Transfer Dynamics Specialist, Money Coach
If you are or will eventually be a Giver of wealth, you may have read my recent series on wealth transfer and wondered, “But what about me?!” Well, don’t worry — I’ve got you!
In today’s blog post, let’s take a look into some of the key pain points that Wealth Givers often face.
Giving a gift is not as simple as it may sound. Think of our traditional giving events, such as birthdays, holidays, and life transitions. As a Giver, do you struggle with gift anxiety like I do? Giving comes with a layer of decision making that honestly stirs up some stress in me. What do they want? What do they need? What do I want them to think about me? About the gift? What will they do with it? Will they like it?
These questions were way easier to answer when my kids were young and knew exactly what they wanted. Do you connect with these feelings? Giving a gift of resources that will change someone’s life is way harder than running to Target to grab a Star Wars Lego set!
I want to offer one dynamic to consider: I call it the difference between connected and disconnected giving.
In I Will Teach You to be Rich: The Journal, Ramit Sethi asks this question about giving:
“Do you want to be the kind of person who gives generously to loved ones? Why or why not?”
My answer may surprise you:
“Not exactly. The word ‘generous,’ in my experience, is a word that can have layers of meaning, and oftentimes, these layers are subconscious, foggy, and disconnected. It’s important to first connect with and identify what is meant by ‘generous.’”
You may be thinking, “Wendy, what the heck? Can’t I just be a generous Giver and give the money away?” Well, of course, you can just be generous. But what if you are actually pushing the money away or trying to control the receiver with your gift? What if you are subconsciously wanting your gift to validate your identity or your worthiness? You may find it doesn’t really do that (because it can’t do that). What if you are withholding your gift because you are upset with life choices the recipient is making? What if you are withholding your gift until the receiver communicates that they love you in just the right way?
As we approach giving, let’s remember to apply Principle #1 of my 10 Principles of Financial Therapy©: Apply Abundant Compassionate Curiosity and Zero Judgment.
I use this principle to identify new words that are more neutral when talking about money things. One of my favorites to use is the concept of disconnected and connected behaviors (instead of good and bad behaviors). Let’s apply this idea to giving and think of it as disconnected or connected.
If you’re experiencing disconnected giving, you may notice body signs like anxiety, short breaths, racing thoughts, and fears of what the receiver will do with the money. In terms of your decision making, you may feel indecisive or engage with all-or-nothing decision making. You may experience anguish over making the right decision or avoid the decision making altogether.
Finally, let’s look at common relationship signs of disconnected giving. It may be difficult to interact with your loved one or the group/cause because you are preoccupied with how the gift will be managed. You may avoid that relationship or over-involve yourself in it to micromanage the elements.
Here are a few examples of disconnected giving:
Disconnected Giving Scenario #1
You meet with your financial planner and realize you are going to have high value resources that need a designated plan. You struggle with identifying who and how much to designate. As a future Giver, you lose sleep, experiencing intrusive, repetitive thoughts about what they will think of you and/or of the gift. You create a will/trust and then change it every few months based on the emotions stirred up in relationship interactions.
Disconnected Giving Scenario #2
You have wealth, and you feel deeply guilty for having it. Those around you who know you have more than they do regularly drop “hints” of problems and needs, and you quickly move to solve their issues with money. You sense that the less you have, the less you have to stress over. As you see your bank balance go down, you feel some relief. But then, you feel some loss and confusion.
When I give — and when I work with clients to think through their giving — I aim for it to be a gift that is connected.
When I say connected, I mean meaningful and mindful. It can be given with external wise guidance and communicated with ease. The gift can then be a part of my money story and their money story.
Now, let’s peek back at the disconnected giving scenarios and add in connected traits:
Connected Giving Scenario #1
You meet with your financial planner and realize you are going to have high value resources that need a designated plan. You struggle with identifying who and how much to designate. You step into Wendy’s journaling series “Breathe, Intend, Move” and use this exercise to pause and consider your intentions. You identify that you want the resources to provide safety and security for your children. You now have more clarity on outlining a way to provide for them on a set schedule instead of all at once. You also realize you want to support a few specific charities and are able to have a bigger impact with clear designations.
Connected Giving Scenario #2
You have wealth, and you feel deeply guilty for having it. Those around you who know you have more than they do regularly drop hints of problems and needs. You step into Wendy’s journaling series “Breathe, Intend, Move” and use this exercise to pause and consider your intentions. You recognize a deep desire to help in a couple of specific ways and set up giving to these in your spending plan. This way, when you hear of someone’s struggle, you can use your spending plan to help you decide, with calm clarity, if and when you will give to a need.
When being a Wealth Giver, it’s important to connect to your why as deeply as possible.
I believe that you need three or four layers of why. Be confident that you can talk it out or write it out. In other words, know that you can communicate it clearly. When you tell the receiver the why behind your giving, you increase connection, meaning, clarity, and even affection. One of my favorite journal/discussion prompts for this concept is: What story do you want your money to tell?
Pause now to write about it, and let me know what you noticed. How do you want to give?
Before I close, I want to share a quote from my friend Deborah Goldstein, founder of Enlightened Philanthropy. She has this to say: “Something I have been looking at more closely in my own life is how giving relates to receiving. When giving, it sometimes helps to think about how you like to receive and how the intended recipient might like to receive. Does that help inform your giving further? I like to think it does.”
Would you like more support in getting clarity around your resources and giving? The Money Mindset Shift program takes you through these exercises and more to help you dive deeper and find clarity. I invite you to invest in it today!
