What the Heck is Couples Financial Therapy?!
By Wendy Wright, LMFT, Financial Therapist
Did you check out the recent This is Uncomfortable podcast episode? In this episode, I was asked to help a couple struggling with a recurring money conflict. We explored how to get “unstuck” and discussed new ways to approach money topics.
To start, the couple named their “pain point”: They keep having the same fight about money.
They were feeling stuck. Whenever this topic came up, they would have the same fight and get nowhere. They wanted to find a resolution, a way to move forward, but couldn’t see a way out or around it. You may be nodding your head and thinking “Yes, we have so been there!” This is where financial therapy can help.
We applied three of my 10 Principles of Financial Therapy©, including:
- Apply abundant, compassionate curiosity and zero judgment.
- Take the word “money” out of the sentence.
- Shift away from “good/bad” positioning with money.
Now, let’s dive a little deeper into each of these principles of financial therapy.
Apply abundant, compassionate curiosity and zero judgment.
The couple featured on the podcast did a great job of creating space for the first principle of my 10 Principles of Financial Therapy©: abundant, compassionate curiosity and zero judgment. This mindset allows more opportunity for active and creative listening. I encourage you to try it today! It allows you to shift from a defender of your position to a detective of your partner’s heart and mind. It slows down that part of you that stops listening in order to form your next argument.
Take the word “money” out of the sentence.
When you take the word “money” out of the sentence, you will often see the underlying issue. It is often a fear – fear of loss of control, fear of not being important to your partner, fear of being seen as stupid, or fear of making a mistake. Once you know the deeper fear, you can begin to build in ways to comfort that fear that aren’t money related. This approach helps decrease the reactivity in a money chat.
Shift away from “good/bad” positioning with money.
This one is so important and powerful. Sometimes, couples will come to me for financial therapy with the hope that I will declare a “winner,” that one of them is “right” and “good”. I don’t. It doesn’t help, and in my experience, it isn’t a truth.
Instead, we shift to rephrase the situation. Use sentences such as “What I like/don’t like about my money relationship is…” or “What I wish I had more of/less of in our money life is…”. Try this exercise today and journal about what you notice. Notice how your breathing may relax or your ability to maintain eye contact with your partner may increase. These are big wins!
Couples financial therapy is a unique tool.
Similar to individual financial therapy work, couples will come into financial therapy thinking we are going to tell them what not to do and how to be “better” with money. That is not the case! It can be surprising but helpful. I bet you’ve tried following the latest trend on Google for getting your money act together but can’t seem to get the traction you desire. Financial therapy comes into those stuck points, exploring what is under the surface.
We don’t come in with rules or declaring a “winner.” Instead, we work to create a non-judging, neutral, and supportive place to talk about all the money stuff.
Ready to get started? Book a discovery call with the Financial Therapy Solutions team today!
